Elldrew Exhales, Planet Elldrew

Lock up your Condiments

19th May 2012
jam

We know you’re guilty too, don’t try and hide it. Sitting at a table having a conversation with the person opposite, or just in your head, eye’s darting around the room to see if anyone is watching. “Do you think I should take this?”. Eyeing the array of free condiments sitting in front of you…tempting you. “We sort of paid for them so why not!”. Sitting there wondering if the waiter secretly clocks the number of condiments given to each table and whether he/she counts the number of empty pots they remove vs full pots. “What’s the worst that can happen? They will just charge it to the bill!”. Getting all flustered, feeling like a thief. “Where will I put it? Have you got room in your bag?”. Eyes still darting around the room, scanning the other tables to see if their condiment tower is still in tact. “Just do it!”. 

As quick as a flash your hand reaches from under the table, swipes the desired condiment items, safely secured in pocket/bag…done! Relief sets in. Eyes still dart around the room one more time to see if anyone noticed, if another patron is smirking or a waiter frowning. You’re in the clear. All you have to do now is stand up and walk out of the room and hope you are not tapped on the shoulder. You’re carrying, what you believe, are stolen goods. Head up, walk straight to the exit. Out the door.

You made it!

I’m not sure what it is, and maybe it’s just us, but the whole ‘do I/don’t I’ take something from the free condiment offering laid out before you has always baffled us. There is a sort of pride when you pull out the little pots of heaven in the safety of your locked room and stare at them thinking ‘that will go nicely in the fridge, we’ll use them for breakfast next week’. The funny thing is though, you only ever take 1 or 2 items at most, you don’t want to draw attention to what you have just done and at the same time you want to make it look like you used them during your meal! “They will probably think the other waiter cleared them with the plates.”

I must admit, we have taken a few in our time (I managed to swipe a couple of posh teabags that came presented in little pocket-sized boxes the other day from a boardroom meeting) and during a recent fridge cleaning exercise I came across the condiment graveyard. I am sure most, if not all, have passed their used-by date and should be thrown away, but hey…they look pretty and me, and only me, knows what I went through to get them to the fridge. Nothing like reminding yourself you’re a little light fingered when it comes to a free condiment!

I’m already wondering what the next place we visit has on offer.

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